Covid "Silver" Lining

I've always thought of myself as a little bit of an odd duck. Maybe I'm more "normal" than I think, but I often feel like I don't quite fit the mold of what I'm "supposed" to be. I've always felt that way to some extent...never really found my place in high school, felt torn between different worlds in college, embraced New York but little bits of me seemed to not quite belong, and always felt a little awkward throughout it all. Likely most of it is my head and that's its own thing, but lately I've realized that so much of it was this concept of being obligated to "the norm." Anytime my natural instinct was to do or be something "outside" of that norm, however large or small, I felt weird and conflicted.

Whew, that's a lot, but my point is, during the past few years when I've embraced those "abnormalities," I've found so much happiness. I can point to a few decisions that have led to really great places. Quitting my 9-5 job without a defined path forward? Brightspot emerged, my absolute favorite job ever. After a decade of tortured decision-making, finally deciding to turn my back on becoming a mother? An enormous weight lifted off of me and was replaced with a peaceful confidence that I never imagined I could feel.

And now, the silliest of all (especially amidst everything going on in this world), but somehow more difficult for me than the others. Letting my hair go grey. I started coloring it when I was 28, mostly to avoid any lurking greys during our wedding, but they needed coverage since that moment. When we moved to Portsmouth I switched from semi-permanent to permanent dye and the time between appointments shrank, my hair got super brittle and "orange," and I started to really dread forking over all that cash.

Until the pandemic, I couldn't even fathom letting it go. It felt like a forbidden thing...and even at 40, I was "way too young" to feel like I could have a head of grey hair.

Why? Why not? It's so funny how conforming to this imaginary ideal is so engrained. As the "silver" (I prefer to think of it as silver rather than grey, ha) filled in over the summer, I started to think about it a lot. Who was I dying it for? Was it for me? Or someone else? Sure, it's not as black and white as one of the other, but I landed in a place that helped me realize that this was another one of those things I was sort of blindly doing to not stand out. But in reality, I didn't mind the way the silver emerged, it didn't bother me, so why should I do anything about it?

I finally went back to the salon a couple weeks ago. My stylist was so excited I was growing out my greys and her enthusiasm really sealed the deal (still working on not needing external affirmation in my decisions). She applied a "toner" to the lower parts of my hair to remove some of the orange tinge, we lopped off a couple inches, and I remember being terrified my greys were gone. I feel like I worked hard to grow them out over the last few months...they had become a sort of badge of honor in "going against the grain." Along with that I was growing my confidence in the decision. 

I'm there now. I'm embracing this literal silver lining. (Eeek!)