This entire process with Merwin has taught me a number of things, one of which is that no part of it was likely to feel right. Whether or not to treat his cancer, how much to spend on treating his cancer, how many different drugs to try, when to decide to stop trying drugs, when to place that dreaded call to the vet, whether the vet should come to the house or we should go to the vet, and finally, what to do to celebrate and remember the little guy. Every step of the way, we experienced guilt and indecision.
This weekend my mom was visiting, and we decided to hold a little ceremony for the hound. We had his ashes but weren't sure what to do with them. Neither of us really wanted to keep them in the little box, but we also weren't sure where to put them to best memorialize him.
Our little lake place sits at the end of a long driveway with woods on either side. If one of us said "walk" the dog would be out the door and down that driveway in a heartbeat. A small trail through the woods sits just beyond our house and without fail, he would demand to take the trail, tugging his way over to the path and digging his paws in if we wanted to head in another direction. And finally, upon returning home, he'd pause at the end of the driveway, wait for us to unhook his leash, and issue a "go ahead" command. Then it was like a shot went off as he ripped through the woods on either side, leaping over branches, ripping through leaves, and bansheeing like the best of them. He was so incredibly happy in those places.
This is a long way of saying we felt good about sprinkling his ashes along the woods and the trail. We tossed a couple tennis balls deeper into the brush, recited a Merwin poem from the early days of this blog, and shared a few suitable May Oliver quotes.
It's not him, we'll never have him again, but it felt healing. It felt like a tiny bit of closure. His spirit is around us and every time we arrive at the lake, I'll think of him streaking through the woods, happy as can be.
"Because of the dog's joyfulness, our own is increased. It is no small gift. We should honor the love of the dog in our own life, and the dog down the street, and all the dogs not yet born. What would the world be like without music or rivers or the green and tender grass? What would this world be like without dogs?"
- Mary Oliver
"You may not agree...and you may not care -- but you should know that of all the sights I love in this world - and there are plenty - very near the top of the list this this one: dogs without leashes."
- Mary Oliver
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