Roller Coaster

I want off this stupid ride. A few weeks ago, it seemed that we had a bit of a reprieve with Merwin's cancer struggle. Testing indicated a slower moving form of lymphoma that, when treated with less aggressive chemo drugs from home, could result in remission. Instead of weeks or months, we were looking at years. But we went to the vet Friday and like all the drugs before it, this one made no dent in his cancer. His lymph nodes have swelled again and for some reason, his cancer cells are super resistant to everything we throw at them. It seems this little odd-ball is also a weirdo when it comes to defying the statistics and doing it his way. 

We tried one last drug on Friday, but given his track record, it seems unlikely it will help the situation. Up until today he has seemed like his normal self, but this morning he didn't finish his breakfast and wasn't that interested in a walk, both hallmarks of Merwin being Merwin. 

Looking back on it, I realize that the last two weeks under the context of that now distant good news shifted my perspective. It was back to normal with the dog and our comfortable companionship free of my maudlin, dreary, "this is the end" thoughts. It's hard not to feel that way now which makes me grateful we had that time together when I wasn't envisioning the worst, when I felt he was going to fill our lives with his wacky presence for a bit longer. When we could just be.

But alas, here we are. This is where we have to be now. I don't think I can do it, but somehow, I will.