Reflections On Change

We represent a gamut of responses to change in our household. Simon is the most open--he loves that every day is different at his new job, is always willing to try new things, and never seems to be tied to the comfortability of routine. I often want something different but have a hard time in the process toward change. Even going on vacation. I'll look forward to it for months, get all bent out of shape the day before we leave and dread the impending disruption, then of course, be despondent on the plane ride home. A walking contradiction (as I'm sure most of us are). 

Merwin, on the other hand, is truly a creature of habit. We've found that, probably like most dogs, he is most well-behaved and happy when he has a routine. He has been a mess the past two weeks as his entire little universe gets packed into boxes. Luckily, he is being rescued today by his good friend Cocker Spaniel Suzie (and her parents) who are going to pick him up and whisk him off to Round Pond, where we will meet him after the movers work their magic tomorrow.

We took our last walk this morning and he was quite the sniffer. I don't feel that tied to our apartment or the neighborhood but seeing him tromp down the sidewalks and nose around his favorite spots made me a little sentimental. In his life with us, he has known only this place as home. I wonder what he is thinking. Perhaps the anxiety that I imagine he has is really my own as we launch toward this change.

Happy National Dog Day

How could I let today pass by without at least acknowledging that it's National Dog Day? Big props to my buddy Melissa for clueing me in. We're going to celebrate with a photo collage of Merwin "socializing" with some of his doggy friends. Enjoy your day, doggies!

Ode To The Desk Chair

Ode to the Desk Chair
Anonymous*

You're disgusting, desk chair.

Your fake leather seat

is splitting and peeling

like old man feet

baking in hot sand.

Your arms are cheap plastic,

cracked on the sides

and breaking from your wobbly frame.

You can't even fit 

through the doorway

you fat and slow desk chair.

The only thing

you are supposed to do

is be comfortable

and instead, sitting in you

is like balancing

on an obese warthog 

running spastically

around a field of porta pottys.

You are awful, desk chair.

I hope you 

enjoy your new friends

in the landfill,

you dumbie.

* I wrote this and I'm proud of it. Good riddance, Ikea desk chair, good riddance. Dedicated to the CFs.

Music Memory

It's funny how there are pieces of music that provide instant flashbacks to very specific places or images. Whenever I hear Bach's Brandenburg Concertos I picture the whirling velvet skirts of Paul Taylor's work of the same name, my all-time favorite choreographic piece and one that I could watch on a loop (the dancers would die, it's so complicated and tiring!) And on a slightly less, um, classy note, "Toxic" by Britney Spears always inspires memories of twenty-four year old versions of Ashley, Carolyn and me decked out in the obligatory jeans and black "going out" tops at an Upper East Side bar.

I've been listening to Pandora at work and "More" popped up today. The Bobby Darin version of this ditty was our wedding song. But when I heard it today, I didn't think of our wedding. Instead I recalled our rehearsal. Not our ceremony rehearsal or rehearsal dinner, but our dancing rehearsal. Yes, our dancing rehearsal. 

At the time, I thought the color of the ribbon wrapping the flowers was LIFE OR DEATH so naturally, putting on the perfect little number for our wedding guests was basically DEATH OR DEATH. Meanwhile, I neglected to think about the importance of my wedding hairstyle, which actually did look like DEATH. Anyway.

I forced my poor fiance to enter my world of choreography, rehearsing the same eight counts over and over, and sweating in a tiny, airless studio. I stepped on his feet more than he stepped on mine. I yelled at him when he got it wrong and he didn't even smirk when I got it wrong. And he endured. He has always endured. I know I endure him too but I think I throw a special type of crazy mish-mosh his way. So I can chuckle a little when I hear "More," but it also reminds me that he has been, is and always will be amazing. And I still owe him one.

The Ice Bucket Challenge

Somehow I managed to ignore this long enough. At least, ignore it in terms of not being tagged in social media to participate in the Ice Bucket Challenge. Trust me, I've been thinking about it since I saw the first few videos posted weeks ago.

It's innovative and successful. If I have the story right, a man suffering with ALS used social media to challenge some of his friends to either dump a bucket of ice water over their heads or donate $100 to the ALS Association. His goal was two-fold: raise awareness of this disease and drive donations to research, education and support for sufferers. The challenge went completely viral. Apparently the organization raised $41 million THIS MONTH. Their entire fundraising haul in 2013 was $19.4 million.

I was finally tagged on Facebook by my dear friend Ashley last night. I'm a cheater but here was my response:

Thank you Ashley for calling me out on the ice bucket challenge. I've been thinking a lot about it over the past few weeks. As a person deeply involved in nonprofits it excites me to see this enormous response to a cause and to observe so many people galvanized by the challenge. This is exactly what we all want to happen with the causes we work for. I've taken some time to try to understand the ALS Association's work to support those affected by the disease, research a cure, and raise awareness. The challenge has also reminded me of things I'm already passionate about, so I've also taken this opportunity to think more about one of those things. While I might be stretching the purpose of the ice bucket challenge, I have to try to raise awareness of human rights and the enormous problems of institutionalized racism, things that I feel strongly about. I can't claim to understand it or even refer you to a source that can help articulate the complexity of the issues but the events in Ferguson highlight the inequities that should not exist and issues that require an enormous amount of attention and willingness to change. Take some time to read about it. Heck, be better than me and DO something.

Regardless of how you respond to the challenge, please explore any cause or issue that you are passionate about. It's a great opportunity to reflect on what I imagine are a myriad of things we all feel require attention, donations and action.

I know not everyone can be a philanthropist with dollars but we can all be activists, and I think the challenge helps provide a concrete way to feel that we are participants in change. And in many ways, everyone who dumped water on their heads contributed to a vastly increased awareness of ALS. But on the other hand, if attempts at change stop with awareness we won't get very far. I agree that the positive outcomes far outweigh the negative aspects. I wish I could think of something as successful and compelling for my own fundraising initiatives! That said, I would encourage the ALS Association to carefully budget their predicted income next year because I can guarantee that the  majority of the donations are non-renewable. Either that or someone there needs to do an exceptional job cultivating the water-dumpers' relationships with the organization's incredibly important work. 

Just A Little Moment

Yesterday wasn't a great day. Nothing horrible just feeling a little overwhelmed and blue. So before we buckled down for our evening packing session, Simon and I walked Merwin to the Tufts campus and let him loose on a big stretch of lawn adjacent to the president's house. It's a thing of beauty to watch this dog streak around the fields. He's so happy and free, chasing his ball and dashing around in pursuit of creatures. The sunlight and the trees and the air and the dog just made everything else fade away. It was simple and it was nice.

Scenes From The Weekend

What can I say that hasn't already been said? For me, the lake is perfect and being at the lake is perfect. As I've said to Simon it makes me so thrilled when people visit and seem to get similar things from it. It doesn't even have to be that the place brings them the same things, I just love that others even want to experience it. I don't know if it makes sense but when something is great for me, I love being able to share it with others and also have it be great for them. It's nice to see that the lake is enjoyable for both us and people we love.

Weekend highlights include Merwin learning that he can't actually stand on the bow of the kayak when we are out to sea. His whole little self plopped into the water and went under, so I'm not sure he'll join me kayaking again soon. Simon whipped up some incredible feasts and we finally tried out making s'mores in the little chiminea. Sunday morning we watched a great blue heron who seems to have made a home on the point across the way. Despite the odd August chillines and strong breeze later that day, everyone pitched in to move our floating raft which required physical braun and mental toughness as nine degrees contributed to the planning. In the end, it was easier to just do it then to talk about doing it. HA!

The close of the weekend included a canoe and kayak expedition. As we pushed off from shore, that late-afternoon slanting sun radiated across the water and it was serene, peaceful and perfect.

A Conversation With Merwin

Sometimes I think it might be easier if Merwin (the dog) could understand what I say. If I could just have a few minutes with him, I would tell him:

Don't you know that even though we are packing all the stuff in the house, you don't have to stay with the house. You'll come with us. Stop pacing.

I know you are sad when we walk out the door but we will always, always, always walk back in the door.

And when we do walk back in the door, we might act like we are trying to ignore you running in circles wagging your butt and squealing like a pig, but that is only because the dog trainer told us to. We actually really love it, but don't tell the dog trainer.

I know you really like squirrels and chipmunks but jumping off the 10 foot high deck to chase them gives your mom panic attacks so maybe don't do that as much.

Your cuteness can get you treats and get you out of trouble. Only with me though not with the other one (let your ears do that thing where they raise up a little bit like a shrug and tilt your head just slightly to the right and make those eyes really big, yes, that should work).

Could we figure out a way for you to tell me if you are in pain because it really hurts for me to think about you feeling pain but I know how much you love to run and sniff and chase the ball so I know you won't stop doing those things even if you are hurting. So just let me know.

Please don't ever stop tearing through the woods like a bat out of hell with your ears flopping above your head and your paws barely touching the ground. It brings us so much joy to see you happy in your element.

Thanks to Jane over at Always With Yoo for her consistently beautiful words about her own cocker spaniel, Piri. Her blog, and in particular her post today, are an inspiration for me and this place.

A Poem For A Tuesday

In the Corners of Fields
Ted Kooser

Something is calling to me
from the corners of fields,
where the leftover fence wire
suns its loose coils, and stones
thrown out of the furrow
sleep in warm litters;
where the gray faces
of old No Hunting signs
mutter into the wind
and dry horse tanks
spout fountains of sunflowers;
where a moth
flutters in from the pasture,
harried by sparrows,
and alights on a post,
so sure of its life
that it peacefully opens its wings.

Ah such lovely images abound in this one. I love poems of "moments." Aside from the moth opening its wings, nothing really happens, there isn't any action, yet the description of this snapshot in time is so vivid. The personification of each of the described elements in the field humanizes the stillness -- how the fence coils sun themselves, the stones are sleeping and the No Hunting signs have faces and voices. Really beautiful. Enjoy!

Scenes From The Weekend

What a lovely weekend with lovely guests. Many adventures including a rooftop incident involving Simon and a swarm of bees, lots of screaming, and 4 bee stings. He's fine and the nests are mostly taken care of. Plus, I got some driving practice zooming around like a banshee in pursuit of Benadryl. Evie caught a big fish, Merwin and I took our first kayak together, we hung our new sign (thanks Evie!!!) and took an incredibly awkward family photo. I even managed to take some snapshots that didn't involve sunsets. I mean, there are still plenty of sunsets and dogs in the scenes below but you can't expect me to radically transform overnight.

Just A Little Moment

I Deeply And Completely Accept Myself

Be forewarned! We're getting personal today.

We began the arduous process of packing up the Somerville apartment Sunday afternoon and came across this small notecard with MJ's writing across the top and this phrase, this affirmation. Six words. Six simple little words that in no way are simple or little when it comes to believing them and living like you believe them.

I've been struggling with my sense of self lately. Some major categories of life just haven't felt resolved and it seems like I'm surrounded by images and messages that tell me how it should all play out. I should want to be a smiling mom beautifully and perfectly raising 1.5 children surrounded by picture-perfect sunny snapshots of family life, I should want to maintain a fast-paced, rewarding career that fulfills me, and I should do it all in a 3+ bedroom, picket-fenced house in the 'burbs.

Sure that may be exaggerated, but the problem is, right now I don't actually have the desire for any of that. I can't tell you how many hours I have spent distraught that I don't want that life, that somehow I'm not normal and will live on the fringes of society, shunned for being a weirdo. Instead, shouldn't I be focused on figuring out what I do want and how I can get it? Why yes, of course. But in order to do that I have to accept me for me. I have to accept that maybe I'll never want to be a mom and won't necessarily find my "life's purpose" through my career. I have to accept that all of that is ME and the people that honestly care about me will still care about me if I don't fit this model.

So yeah, I'm going to work on deeply and completely accepting myself...thanks Janey.

A Poem For A Friday

Living With the News
W.S. Merwin

Can I get used to it day after day
a little at a time while the tide keeps
coming in faster the waves get bigger
building on each other breaking records
this is not the world that I remember
then comes the day when I open the box
that I remember packing with such care
and there is the face that I had known well
in little pieces staring up at me
it is not mentioned on the front pages
but somewhere far back near the real estate
among the things that happen every day
to someone who now happens to be me
and what can I do and who can tell me
then there is what the doctor comes to say
endless patience will never be enough
the only hope is to be the daylight